He never got to be a Dad, and the tiny human never got to meet him. Not one single photo of them together. Sometimes I find that the hardest part, imagining what she would have looked like in his arms.
One day every year, there is one dedicated day to spoil the Fathers with cards & treats. Every year, for the past 4, I have a lump in my throat when I receive a laminated version from her crèche, so we can place it on his grave and hope it lasts a couple of weeks in this Irish weather of ours! The girls in the crèche are incredible. They, from day 1 have been amazing about the fact that she’s a little bit different, she’s just not quite like the other kids, she’s Fatherless. I hate the labels (I know I know, I’ve just given her one), but this is one day a year where it’s really drilled home. I have this very romantic idea of what we would do every year, breakfast in bed, running through the meadows in the sunshine all holding hands… (What?!? Is that not what families do?!?) 😉
I have no idea what it’s like to be Fatherless, I have one, and have had every day for my 35 years, so this is the part that I find so difficult. There are no books, no guides as to how to do all of it. How to explain to the tiny human “well you know, you do have a Father, he’s just not on earth”. I know as she starts to understand the birds & the bees she’ll realise she wasn’t an immaculate conception, but right now it’s quite hard to explain. So I just go with it, I try to as best as I can. Some of the stuff I come out with is so ridiculous sometimes, and I’m pretty sure I’d be admitted if I actually believed all of it myself, but she’s only 4 so butterflies and fluffy clouds are all quite acceptable! 🙂
We have a wonderful new man in our lives now, he is great, and I’m sure some day when we all live in the same house, and as life goes on, things are going to be very different, but for now, it’s still hard to walk past the Fathers Day cards in EVERY shop we go to. I won’t be buying one. (In fairness with the cost of cards here it’s probably saved me a few bob over the years €€!) As she gets older I’m sure more questions will arise, more frustrations, but I know we’ll roll with them, just as we have done since she started to talk…
On Saturday night I shall be raising a glass for all the Father’s who won’t receive cards, the children who have no one to hand one to, and this Sunday I will be sparing a thought for all the other Mom’s out there that will have a lump in their throats, not really knowing what we’re meant to do on Father’s Day without the fathers…. for whatever reason it may be.