Let them be little

I’ve been watching my tiny human a lot lately, and watching how scarily fast she is becoming less of a tiny human and more a little girl. I spent so much time when she was a baby, wishing she would reach her next milestone, wondering when it would be. When she was a baby, I wondered when she would hold her head up without me supporting it, when she would eat her first solids, when she would sit up for the first time unaided (13th of June 2012!). When she got sturdier, I couldn’t wait for her to crawl, to take her first steps. When she had mastered all of that, I couldn’t wait until she could talk.

She is now almost 5. FIVE! I realised recently, that I had “wished” most of her baby and toddlerhood away, waiting for the next milestone, hoping she would reach it quicker than the norm, instead of cherishing every single moment of it. We all do this. We all cannot wait for them to get bigger. But we need to slow down, and let them be little.

Children these days grow up so scarily fast. They have mobile phones, are on Facebook, are posting pictures on Instagram and have thousands of followers! I can now have proper conversations with the tiny one. She teaches me things every single day that I thought I already knew. No two days are the same, and the adventure becomes more incredible the older she gets. Now however, I have noticed, I am wishing for her to slow down. To stay as this beautiful, tiny, perfect little human being for as long as possible. I don’t want her to have to grow up and have to deal with ‘real’ life. I want her to stay as pure and innocent as she is today.

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I wonder sometimes when it flipped, from wishing her onto every next milestone, to wishing she would slow down. She is my only. She is my beautiful, tiny human. Before I know it, she will own a smartphone, and iPad, be a teenager. She is going to be getting dressed up to go to her first disco, then nightclub, then no doubt travelling, then possibly college/marriage/kids (in no particular order). She will someday move out and start her own adult life. (I should say maybe here, I had to move back in at 30….). These days I know will come so very fast, and will I will have to deal with them all, like a grown up 🙂

I have now embraced how perfect she is, at this very moment in time. How her little brain is a sponge and wants to absorb every detail in her day. I have stopped wishing her little life away, hoping she reaches the next milestone quicker than the norm. Before my very eyes, some day, she will be a big grown up human, having to deal with real life, real fears, real tears, real heartache. She will be a grown up for long enough, so for now, I am just letting her be little, and enjoying each and every second!

Huss x

A new sense of fear

After everything Ive experienced, I’m a little tougher than I used to be, a little more resilient. After having a sweet baby girl and getting her to 4 and a half without my hubby, I’m a little stronger. But lately I’ve felt less tough, less resilient, less strong. I am afraid for my tiny human, afraid of the world she is living in, the one I introduced her to. The one where people feel it’s “ok” to walk into a nightclub or concert and shoot innocent people. To drive down a promenade, knocking people over as they go. To walk into the departures lounge full of happy holiday makers and open fire. 

People’s husbands/wives/fathers/mothers/uncles/aunts/sons/daughters/friends/partners.

Just normal, unassuming people.  
I feel afraid. Afraid to visit my best friend in Turkey, afraid to fly on our annual trip to France, afraid to visit friends in London. 

What kind of a new world am I raising my tiny human in? One where travelling will no longer be something she can experience? One where anytime we step out of the house to go to a festival or concert or go on holidays I fear that something could happen? I am fully aware that by not living we are letting them win, but the more and more hateful things that happen, the more unnerved I become. You don’t need to tell me “sure you could get hit by a bus tomorrow!”. I am fully aware of how life can change in an instant, but these aren’t tragic accidents, these are all deliberate acts of disgusting hatred. Long gone are the days that all I needed to worry about was if I had enough baby wipes in my bag. There’s a new wave of worry, a new sense of fear. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. 

I cannot stop thinking about all of the families who woke up today with an ache in their chests, having to embrace their new life without their loved ones. My heart aches for them. I will be holding mine that little bit closer, as always. 

What have we done to this beautiful world of ours? We should be ashamed of ourselves 😢