A new sense of fear

After everything Ive experienced, I’m a little tougher than I used to be, a little more resilient. After having a sweet baby girl and getting her to 4 and a half without my hubby, I’m a little stronger. But lately I’ve felt less tough, less resilient, less strong. I am afraid for my tiny human, afraid of the world she is living in, the one I introduced her to. The one where people feel it’s “ok” to walk into a nightclub or concert and shoot innocent people. To drive down a promenade, knocking people over as they go. To walk into the departures lounge full of happy holiday makers and open fire. 

People’s husbands/wives/fathers/mothers/uncles/aunts/sons/daughters/friends/partners.

Just normal, unassuming people.  
I feel afraid. Afraid to visit my best friend in Turkey, afraid to fly on our annual trip to France, afraid to visit friends in London. 

What kind of a new world am I raising my tiny human in? One where travelling will no longer be something she can experience? One where anytime we step out of the house to go to a festival or concert or go on holidays I fear that something could happen? I am fully aware that by not living we are letting them win, but the more and more hateful things that happen, the more unnerved I become. You don’t need to tell me “sure you could get hit by a bus tomorrow!”. I am fully aware of how life can change in an instant, but these aren’t tragic accidents, these are all deliberate acts of disgusting hatred. Long gone are the days that all I needed to worry about was if I had enough baby wipes in my bag. There’s a new wave of worry, a new sense of fear. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. 

I cannot stop thinking about all of the families who woke up today with an ache in their chests, having to embrace their new life without their loved ones. My heart aches for them. I will be holding mine that little bit closer, as always. 

What have we done to this beautiful world of ours? We should be ashamed of ourselves 😢